Sunday, November 23, 2008
My Conclusion
So I am on a medicine that is really helping. I am feeling so much better then I have felt in quite some time. And yet I can't make myself do somethings. Most importantly go to church. I have been really upset with myself about this and pondering and praying about it for sometime. Well here is my conclusion. I am scared. I am scared of doing to much and back sliding. I don't think most of you know how bad I was at the being of the year. April was a REALLY bad month. Mostly due to a medication I was tryin that I reacted badly to. But just think about the worst thing you can about mental illness and that is where I was. So I think I have been hiding some to keep from over doing it and back sliding anywhere near there again. I am SO happy that I finally feel able to do so many things that I haven't been able to do in years. I am not 100%. I guess I will never be without my anxeity and I can deal with that. Heavenly Father has given us all trails and this is one of mine. I just don't want to be unable to do anything like before. Church is hard for me for many reasons. I have a hard time with a crowd of people. I worry alot about what people think of me. This may be silly but I can't help it. I let all of it get to me. Getting the kids ready, keeping them calm durning Sacrament meeting, getting them to class. I know I need to get to church not only for me but for my kids. I want to get to church. So here is the reason I am putting this here. I think saying this outloud (so to speak) will help me start to deal with it. Also it will be nice for some encouragement (if anyone feels so inclined). I am going to try my hardest to work past this fear of backsliding. I want to get to church. I will make it. Thank you for listening. :)
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8 comments:
Brina I am so glad you have found a medicine that is making you feel better! That is so wonderful! Congrats on that!
Secondly, I am happy you chose to share your feelings with us! Having a desire to do good is the first step to acting on your faith and doing better! There are so many things in my life that I want to do better, and I always do better when I have someone to talk to about it.
I guess my words of encouragement are that with the Lord's help, I know you can do anything. He loves all of us. I know that with a certainty beyond anything else in this life. My suggestion would be to take baby steps. Just try going for sacrament for a few weeks and see how that goes. Then extend it to other classes etc. when you feel comfortable. Or maybe go the third hour to become closer to the RS sisters first.
Whatever you choose to do and what you can do, know that us Utah Ratliffs love you all and pray for all of you daily. We miss you and cannot wait to see you all at Christmas!
Thank you Stacey. It really helps me to hear this. I feel like I put myself behind a wall, which I don't mean to at all. and I make it hard to be close to anyone even my family. But you can't believe how much I want to be close to you and Aimee and Cori. I just am afraid of pushing myself off on people. Ok enough whinning from me. Thank you again. I love you guys. :)
So, my first thought (and I'm sorry if I sound too harsh...I really don't mean to..) is what better way to show your Heavenly Father your gratitude for the blessing of the medicine, than to go to church?
Going to church is a personal thing. You don't go to chat with friends, look your best for friends, or to even have all the answers to questions. You go to communion with your Heavenly Father. To learn more of Him and to renew your covenants. I hate (sometimes) how much of a social clique going to church can be. I still struggle with this ward and feeling like I don't fit in. So you're not a lone with thinking (a lot) about what other people think about you. Pretending to not care is something that I try doing all the time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I know you're scared about slipping back. I think you have every reason to be! But maybe putting your priorities in order would help? I have to do this a lot, and I know it helps me to feel better, knowing that I'm putting the most important things first on my list, not towards the bottom.
I hope that you will continue to fight this...any thoughts or feelings that prevent you from going to church aren't from your Heavenly Father. I hope that you will allow me to be of any help that I can be.
I liked what Stacey said...make it your goal to go to Sacrament every Sunday. And don't give yourself the opportunity to change your mind. If Heavenly Father has blessed you as much as he has in the past weeks, imagine what he has in store for you in the coming weeks! Just work (and work hard!) and don't give up!
Having the desire is always the first step. Keep up the prayers and the hard work! Your doing great and I'm sure Heavenly Father is pleased with the progress (even if its just mental) that you have made!
Anxiety disorder is a real bear to deal with!
You are one super gutsy lady - a fighter for sure!
Please know you are admired and loved for all you do!
((HUGS))
I hope you know I love you very much and I pray every week - even every day that you will find the strength to make it to church. I know how hard this fight has been, and you should know that everyone who knows you is far from judging, but rejoicing in every baby step you are able to make.
I am glad that you are doing better. And I hope you never back sled to that point again. It was scary and I am glad that you have made it through.
I just wanted to let you know how much you are an inspiration to me. I know you are often in doubt but I also know that you are very aware of Heavenly Father and that his timetable can be vastly different from our own. And you have shown me time and time again when I despair that He loves me and things will work out. So now it is my turn to return the favor. He Loves YOU and things will work out.
You will make it to church again, it may take a while and you may want to give up. But when you are ready you will make it. For me on days when I just feel like the world is against me and church seems to hard a challenge I remember that it is Satin that is doing it to me, that he knows if I make it then I will be stronger and it will be harder for him to beat me down. Sometimes I do let him win, but sometimes I don't and I feel the blessings when I win.
I hope we have helped to give you courage to face your fears, and armed you with what you need to fight back some weeks and win. :)
Amen to everything said, Sabrina! :) Yesterday I was talking to Wade about a struggle he'd had at preschool. They were putting together a Christmas chain, and he quietly got up and left the table and cried because it was hard for him to do. I said, "Hey, buddy, it's okay. But next time you're frustrated, just take a deep breath, show your muscles, and say, 'I CAN DO HARD THINGS!'" That's my two cents for you--if anyone can overcome struggles, whether it's getting to church or worrying about being judged or keeping track of your 4 kids or whatever!, it is YOU. Lots of love and prayers going your way! Baby steps!
Brina, I just read your response on here, and I want you to know that I NEVER feel like you are pushing yourself or your problems on me! We are family, I love you, and I am here for you no matter what! Please feel free to e-mail me, call us, whatever, anytime! HUGS!
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